Reader,

"If you ain't first, you're last!"

You might recognize this quote from Will Ferrell and Adam McKay's comedy, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. These words are the driving force behind Ricky Bobby's life. He first heard them from his absent deadbeat dad during a school career day when Ricky was ten years old. Throughout his adult life, they continue to haunt him, influencing every decision he makes.

This mantra is the epitome of the first mind trap I want to introduce you to: all-or-nothing thinking.

Sometimes called "black-and-white thinking," this mind trap leads us to view the world through a binary lens. Your romantic date was either "awesome" or "awful." That business venture was either a complete and total success or an utter failure. You're either a brilliant guitar player or a hopeless hack.

All-or-nothing thinking hangs us up because it leaves no room for nuance. When we're caught up in this mind trap, we can't recognize or appreciate that dynamics are different across different scenarios. We lack appreciation for other perspectives. We think that people who find positives in a loss are misguided and just trying to make themselves feel better with empty niceties. We push things to extremes because we find everything in between empty and meaningless.

Like Robby Bobby's daddy said, "If you ain't first, you're last."

But that's not true, is it?

Just because an event didn't go as well as we'd hoped doesn't mean it was a catastrophic failure. We can legitimately evaluate it and say, "Man, we really learned a lot that will help us be even better next time." Or maybe something like: "Sure, it didn't meet my expectations, but it was still a connective experience."

So, how do you get yourself out of this mind trap?

With all-or-nothing thinking, it starts by mapping a continuum. Let's say you're evaluating a presentation you gave in a work meeting, and you find yourself leaning towards, "Holy cow, that was a dumpster fire that is surely going to cost me my job and put me out on the streets!" Instead of dwelling on everything that proves you were a complete disaster, draw a line from 1 to 10. 1 = NAILED IT! and 10 = WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Before you assess your presentation, step out away from yourself and define what 1 and 10 would each look like.

A 10 might be something like this: "My boss was clearly checked out because I saw him drawing doodles on his pad. Bob fell asleep. One of my slides had incorrect data and another was missing entirely. Tanya kept interrupting me and derailing the flow in the direction of the meeting." Etc.

On the other hand, a 1 might look like this: "My boss was taking voracious notes. Bob watched me the whole time with eager eyes, clearly tracking with me. Tanya listened, writing down her questions and asking them after I was finished. All of my slides were perfect and people even commented on how much they loved them. The sense of exhilaration was palpable in the room."

From here, you could assess where your meeting falls in between those two opposite poles. You could also take the time to define what a 5 would be, what a 3 would be, what a 7 would be. The point is that you're starting to give yourself options. You're not declaring that 1 and 10 are the only two options. You're opening yourself up to the possibility that there are other options.

For what it's worth, learning to appreciate nuance isn't just something that helps you feel better about yourself. It's how you learn to grow. People who lack the ability to discern and value nuance often struggle to grow. And that's understandable: if you're an abject failure (a 1) staring at a wild raging success (a 10), do you believe that you can bridge that gap? Not hardly. On the other hand, if you honestly assess yourself as a 3, you can then start asking yourself, "What would it take to push that level to a 4?"

That's just one example of how renewing your mind can transform your life.

You are loved.

I am for you.

You've got this.

Jake