Reader,

One of the core principles in Plumline's Living with Heart program is that there are no bad feelings.

We're by no means the first or only people to teach this. However, it's vital part of our work because many people were (and are) raised to believe that some feelings are bad. This is especially true for those of us who grew up in the church. Christians are often told that their anger and sadness are signs of sin or deficiencies in their character. But that's not true. Our feelings are simply signals to help us understand what's going on in our hearts.

What we often tell people is, "Your feelings are not good or bad: they're simply true for you or not." In other words, if you feel hurt or afraid or glad, someone else can't tell you that you don't.

This matters because we often fall into the mind trap of believing that our feelings define us or our circumstances. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) calls this "emotional reasoning," and it often shows up like this:

• "I feel rejected, so they must not want me around."
• "I feel guilty, so I must have done something wrong."
• "I feel like a failure, so I probably am one."
• "I feel anxious about the meeting, which means it’s going to go badly."
• "I feel hurt, so you must not care about me."

All of those feelings are true and valid. However, problems arise when we confuse our feelings with facts. When we fall prey to emotional reasoning, we're not being curious about what our feelings can reveal to us about ourselves. Instead, we're jumping to conclusions and making judgments about ourselves and others that may have no basis in reality.

Emotional reasoning essentially collapses three categories—feelings, interpretations, and facts—into one. When you find yourself ensnared by this mind trap, you need to take steps to separate each of them from another. Only then can you see your situation clearly and make emotionally healthy choices.

A helpful starting place is to distinguish what you feel from what you know. Using the examples above:

• You feel rejected because they didn't invite you to the party, but you don't know why that happened. "They must not want me around" is an interpretation based on your feelings, not the facts of your situation. When you ask your friend what happened, it turns out they had an old email address for you and were disappointed you didn't show up.
• You feel like a failure because your boss didn't compliment you after your presentation. Again, "I probably am a failure" is an interpretation of your feelings. The next day you get an email from your boss thanking you for your hard work and apologizing that he had to rush off to deal with a family emergency.
• You feel hurt because your husband hasn't smiled at you all night or asked about your day. You're sure it's because he doesn't care about you, which sends you spiraling. But after the kids go to bed, he shares that his best friend just lost his mom. He's struggling with the grief and the challenge of supporting his friend.

When you reflect on what you know—and, more importantly, what you don't know—you don't just open yourself up to the possibility of a happier thought. You create the space you need to consider the emotional needs that lie behind those snap judgments and mental narratives. Not only do you see the reality of things, but you can lean in and discover how to care for your heart in a genuine, loving way.

Of course, there will be times when the snap judgments of emotional reasoning turn out to be true. When you feel anxious and the meeting does go badly. When you feel guilty and you did do something wrong. Yet, even in those moments, it's key to follow the same process of reflection and curiosity. Rushing to judgment doesn't care for your heart or change your circumstances, If anything, it will only make it worse.

That's why it's important to keep showing up for yourself. Just because emotional reasoning got the answer right once doesn't mean it's a sound guide for navigating those feelings that keep welling up inside of you.

Through it all, remember that you are loved.

I am for you.

And you've got this.

Jake